In parallel to my individual work with children, I relate to them also as part of a wide circle of family including, most importantly, their parents.
Not only is it the child who is disappointed of himself because he cannot meet the expectations adults have hung on him. Many parents who speak with me also feel disappointed. Often they, too, have been hurt; their trust has been hurt, the trust they had in care givers, in the possibilities for their child and in their own ability to help him.
I look at them. They look at me and look at their child.
What are they thinking about?
What are they feeling?
I try to get to know them, to have an impression of them, to feel. What are their feelings? What are they saying? What does their body language say?
I say to them in my way: ‘Observe. Ask. Don’t work from blind faith, but don’t refuse without understanding as well. Take part in the process. I’m not hiding anything. I have no tricks, no magic, no professional secrets or short cuts.
I invite them to join the process of trial and error, repair and renewal, freedom and direction. I explain my method of work to them and the principles behind my work, and I guide them in that area which Alexander called ‘The use of the child by himself.’ I explain to them the new terms of the Alexander Technique: direction, primary control, sensory appreciation, giving directions, and such, and I demonstrate on their child and on themselves what I mean by these terms. In this way I give them my message of shared work and cooperation, cooperation between them and their child, between them and me.
My work offers changes. It teaches children to do what they want to do in a new way, and later they are asked to live this change also outside the work room. The children have, of course, personal responsibility for themselves and for the change that comes to them from the work, but at the same time they are a part of a wider system of family and society. From this comes the great importance I give to the condition that the child’s close environment, and in particular his family, understand the processes that are affecting him, in both theory and practice, and know how to contain these processes so as to support the child. It is important that the parents, or at least one of them, receive practical lessons in the Technique. Without their own practical experience it is impossible to truly understand their child’s experience
The basic, immediate and natural wish of every parent is to help their child, especially whenever there is any problem, such as back pains, difficulties in writing or a bent spine. However, occasionally parents are unaware of the importance of the way in which they help.
The great contribution that they can make to help their child lies first of all in the work that they do on themselves. Only when they do this work seriously and honestly have they the possibility of establishing a supporting dialogue between themselves and their child. Parents have an enormous influence on their child from the day of their birth. They are the example their child copies, and from them he learns the most basic, primary matters.
Among these basic matters they have a far reaching and deep influence on the way their child uses himself. For example: A father’s particular style of walk can be clearly seen in the style of walk of his son or daughter; a mother’s special tilt of her head can be recognized in her son or daughter.
Sometimes parents forget or they don’t properly appreciate the power of personal example, one of the most significant powers in education. A father who smokes has vast difficulties persuading his son not to do as father does. A mother who suffers from lower back pain should not wonder if her daughter develops similar pain.
So, parents are the model to copy and from a very young age children integrate their parents’ habits, for good or for bad. Therefore, when a parent asks me, ‘What can I do to help my child?’ I suggest that he begin to create consciously a change for the good in his own use of himself. When the parent improves consciously his use of himself, he changes his unconscious, harmful influence on his child to a conscious, positive and beneficial influence without any direct effort from the child.
Occasionally I run up against parents who believe that if they only sit and observe the lessons without taking lessons themselves, they will understand what I am talking about. Parents who observe a lesson and have no training themselves will see a child who sits straight and comfortably in a chair and plays. Usually at the end of the lesson they say to their child: ‘From today, you’ll begin to sit straight, just as Gal showed you.’ for that is what they think they have seen. Of course, they say this because of their lack of understanding because of their desire to help, certainly not from any desire to harm, but such words may accomplish exactly the opposite of their desire. They may create unnecessary tension in their child, who can not yet control by himself his new use. They may also create unnecessary tension between parents and their child, for the child feels that he does not live up to his parents’ expectations. This tension can arouse the child’s opposition to the Technique and to what is happening in our meetings.
I never ask a child to ‘sit straight’. A wall or a floor is meant to be straight, but a back has naturally a kind of S shape, and is not meant to be ‘straight’. A back is meant to be in a constant subtle movement of lengthening and widening. The child’s upright sitting is the active result of his improving use. My advice to the parents of a child who studies the Alexander Technique is, first, there is no homework and no need for anyone to tell the child, ‘Sit straight’ or to give any other order. If parents follow this advice, they will save themselves a frustrating struggle as well as a total impossibility to help him, since he doesn’t know how to do that.
Second, I suggest that they take some Alexander lessons, so that they acquire understanding, both theoretical and practical, of the Technique. When parents want their child to become stronger, it is better that they first become stronger. With their own process of inner strengthening, their child will also strengthen. The parents of a child with difficulties must take an active part in his change, as it is first of all their own inner change. Through the process of change that they undergo, they will themselves be an active part in the processes their child undergoes; they can become themselves a model and an inspiration for him to copy.
These words are just as true regarding prevention, education and a preparation for a healthy and balanced life. When a parent acquires basic knowledge related to the way he uses himself, he is able to guide and support his child exactly as he teaches him to speak properly or to eat with a knife and fork at the table.
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